Committing to Belonging

I was so shocked to learn that the opposite of belonging is fitting in. Because fitting in is assessing a group of people and changing who you are. But true belonging never asks us to change who we are. It demands we be who we are.       — Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

At my seminary dining hall, my friends and I would drag our meals out over several helpings and endless cups of tea, only partially aware that these relaxed meandering conversations about the meaning of life were the most valuable part of our education.  Since we came from so many walks of life, one of my friends referred to us as “the island of misfit toys” (from the classic Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer animation).  We may have been “misfits” in the larger culture, but we absolutely belonged with, and to, each other.

I long for UUFM to be an island of belonging.  Do you experience it this way already?  If so, what makes it that way?  And if not, what is missing?  In preparing for our Sunday Services this month, our Conveners discussed the importance of their role in welcoming people to the space.  Everybody, not just Conveners, can communicate through our words, actions, and even posture that the people around us matter.  We can practice gratitude for each other’s mere presence.  We can also practice generosity–not just welcoming people in but giving them a sense of ownership of the space, the freedom to ex-press themselves authentically in it, and a voice in shaping it. We can activate our curious listening to others’ ideas and perspectives.  When we are generous with our attention, the people around us feel witnessed and heard.  They know they are welcome here.

But cultivating belonging is more than welcoming people after they come through our doors.  It’s also being prepared for them.  Religious Educator CB Beal talks about Preemptive Radical Inclusion, the practice of anticipating the needs of the people who are absent.  If there are demographics missing from our community, it’s probably for a reason.  How are we willing to change so that people who currently feel uncomfor-table here don’t feel forced to “fit in” in order to belong?  Preemptive Radical Inclusion means organizing our activities around the assumption that everybody is already and always in the room, even if we don’t see them.  So, for example, I am White and sometimes when I lead a Sunday Service, all the faces I see appear White.  But I don’t assume we’re all White–that would be exclusive.  If I want to make a point specifically for White people, I say so.  And I try to make sure that my message is relevant, and certainly not harmful, to people who aren’t White.  This means considering how it will land for people with different life experiences than I have.

How does your language “fit” the people around you in a way that might seem exclusive to others?  How might you open your understanding of “us” to make room for others to belong here?

As fall approaches and we clean slates in many areas of our lives, I encourage you to open your minds and your hearts. We all long for belonging–but belonging is not the same thing as comfort.  Let us cultivate a culture of welcome that allows people to relax into belonging not because everyone is similar, but because we are misfits together.

See you soon,

            Pastor Isa

Contact Rev. Dr. Isabel Call at pastor@uufm.net.

Note:  Pastor Isa will be away from the office September 4 thru 6, September 12 thru 17, and September 21.  Schedule a meeting with her or call or text her at 785 748-2533, or email pastor@uufm.net.